Thoughts about waiting for an answer

As you may or may not know, I graduated from university last summer and I applied to several UK universities for a masters last January. Since then I have been expecting their answers. Thankfully, I have received some positive answers from a couple of them. My concern, however, is that my top two universities haven't contacted me yet.


Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the ones that accepted me as we're talking about prominent universities with great programmes. And I'm aware that the reason for this delay is the turbulence caused by Covid-19. So, I don't share this post in order to bash these universities. On the contrary, I want to express my anxiety for the future and how I am dealing with it, especially since I believe that this is something that stresses out a lot of people.

For months now I wake up and the first thing I do is check my emails. At all times there is this burden in my chest and this constant thought in my mind; when will they answer me? Until I receive an answer, I can only wonder and speculate how my life is going to be like in the next few years. Doing a masters is a dream of mine. I aspire to work with books, and if I don't have such a powerful degree in my possession, it's impossible to be hired at such a tough-to-enter industry like publishing. I just feel this unbearable anticipation because I know that I can't do any realistic planning for the future I long for until I receive these two acceptance or rejection emails.

I found the Thoughts about waiting post I wrote four years ago saying that you shouldn't let time pass by. If you are passionate about something, go ahead and do it. Life is too short to waste it on things that don't satisfy you. And I still believe that wholeheartedly. But now I have no choice other than wait for these two universities' answers.

Nevertheless, I would lose my mind if I did nothing all day but refresh my Gmail account. So, instead I do what I do -or I feel I do- best; I read and I write. Spending my days like that brings me pleasure as not only do those activities make me happy but also I am reassured that this is what I would like to do for the rest of my life career-wise.

I have to be honest and admit that there are some happy moments that I cannot truly enjoy because my mind is involuntary obsessing over the possibility that the response to my application is delayed because they don't want to commit to me in case they find a better candidate. As more and more days go by, it's getting gradually harder not to think like that and consequently not to let worry and fear creep in. Hopefully, there are times that I'm more reasonable and self-reassured by thinking that the problem is probably not with me and my application but with the unbearable load of work that must have been accumulated and the alterations to the way that a lot of educational services are provided due to the pandemic. Thus, although it's hard to do, you have to stop self doubting and attacking as nothing good can come out of it. I always try to get myself out of this negative and toxic thinking by reminding myself that just because they delayed reaching a conclusion about my application doesn't necessarily mean that they'll reject me.

Of course, it is possible that they will reject me. In this case, I'll get sad for some time for sure. But I'm a person who believes that only by failing we can spot our weaknesses, work on them and become stronger and better in the end.

To conclude, I can't stop thinking the moment that I will turn on my tablet and the email notification from one of the two universities I want will come up. However, time never stops. It is my responsibility to spend my time wisely. If you are going through something similar, remember that life doesn't rewind. So, keep yourself busy with activities that make you happy and can improve your knowledge or skills on an art that interests you so as not to think of an answer constantly that its arrival doesn't depend on you.