Thoughts about my 24th birthday 🎁
Last Saturday, it was my birthday. In my 24 years of existence, this year was the first ever birthday to spend it all alone (I'm abroad doing a Master's.)
Thinking that I shouldn't stay inside like any other day, I went for a walk to a huge park close to where I live. A friend from my course took me to that park a few months ago, and I wanted to visit it again. There was a specific spot that impressed me the first time, and I was hoping that I could find it again. I was lucky and the bench that I was trying to find was vacant when I reached it. As you can see below, the view was breathtaking. In addition to that, it was nice to hear the commotion of people coming and going behind me. At some point, two little ducks started exploring the soil just in front of me until a cute puppy run towards them and they leaped back into the safety of the lake; it was just adorable. And everything around me was beautiful and peaceful.
The only issue is that I miss my family and friends. They all sent me their warmest wishes and we video chatted, but I wanted to hug everyone. I wanted someone to gently squeeze my hand and to feel their breath on my ear promising that everything will be fine. I was at the most beautiful place I'd ever been, and there was no one I could share it with.
I believe that my move to a foreign country and the pandemic are the reasons why I am so terrified of people. I get stressed over what people will think of me and I feel inadequate of people's time and affection. As I'm writing this, I understand how sad it sounds, but it seems impossible to combat this fear of socialising. I'm pretty sure that I'll never beat it. But I can try to win some battles.
I have to be honest and say that becoming more sociable won't be my priority this year. It's just too much thinking about that on top of my postgraduate studies. If everything goes as planned, I'll have gotten my Master's degree by the end of this year. In February, I reached a point that I was sure that I would have to kiss this lifetime goal goodbye. And even worse, I believed that I wasn't worthy of this degree. Thankfully, the dream is still alive.
I can see the pattern of struggling with self-confidence and the happy moments that I miss because of it. However, I know that the more goals I tick off, the harder it becomes for my brain to keep doubting me.
Of course, success doesn't come easy. So I wrote this post as a reminder to stay focused and motivated to get this degree. Because when the time comes, I don't want any grim feeling spoiling the bliss of getting reunited with my family.
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