Thoughts about ... thoughts

DISCLAIMER: 

What follows is an outburst of emotion during a vulnerable moment

I just feel exhausted. I am sick and tired of all the thoughts that flood into my brain and don't leave me at peace. They are always there, all the time. Hopefully, there are times that I am focused on other things and I don't pay attention to them; I don't even notice them. There are other times that I am stronger and I don't let them get to me. I like these moments because I feel in control. The problem is that it is impossible to be like that all the time. When emotions and fears take the lead, there is no going back. I have this constant fear that everything good in my life will disappear. Have you ever experienced how it is like to have one negative thought about yourself and the next instant have a million much worse and hurtful thoughts accompany it? I hope not, because there is nothing you can do to stop them from entering your mind. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that everything is alright and it was just a bad thought, nothing true or tangible, insecurities have already taken control and it feels like all your negative thoughts and scenarios have come to life. This is exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry that I'm not going to go into detail about the nature of my thoughts but they have to do with my relationship with myself and how that affects my relationship with others. It is crazy but it is like I fear and I seek loneliness at the same time. Deep down I am afraid that I may never manage to trust somebody completely without having this constant worry and thought at the back of my head that they will - or should - find someone better. Despite all the efforts, the achievements and the happy moments, the voice in my head whispering that I'm not good enough will always be there in the corner waiting for a vulnerable time to attack and make me question my worth and the role I play in other people's lives. What makes it even sadder is the fact that there is nothing I can do to stop this mental and emotional torture. I am working on myself every day trying to become the knowledgeable and well-rounded individual I aspire to be one day. I have to admit, however, that the more I focus on broadening my horizons, doing things that I genuinely enjoy, pursuing my dreams and being with people I love, the less frequent these episodes are. Unfortunately, I can't provide any practical tips on how to cure this emotional and insecure kind of overthinking. Nevertheless, one positive thing can come out of this depressing post; if you identify with my little outburst -and you don't see me as an overdramatic crazy lady- you know now that you are not alone.

In case you are interested, you'll find posts about my previous experiences with excessive overthinking below.
Thoughts about summertime sadness -and insecurities
Thoughts about random sadness